Prince Arthur Herald | Huffington Post

PAH: Congrats on your monarchy, Toronto!

The Prince Arthur Herald would like to congratulate the city of Toronto for installing a monarchical system of government.

Last week, Toronto City Hall passed a motion 37-5 to strip Mayor – the new King of York – Rob Ford of much of his executive powers, leaving Deputy Mayor Norm Kelly with the control of the city. With the chain of office around his neck and a nearly empty court, His Royal Highness can do little more than tour the city and hold claim to a title that cannot be removed, like so many other figurehead monarchies around the world.

The former Duke of Etobicoke has been trained for this role his whole life and has learned well from an alumni of regalia past.

Learning from the pre-Magna Carta English monarchs, King Ford believed he himself to be above the law and could do as he pleased. For Ford, this means smoking crack, weed – like Queen Victoria – and cocaine, driving drunk, and threatening to murder people. Before 1215 it was mostly about taxation and warfare.

Inspired by George III, the King of York alienated and angered liberals in the faraway land of downtown Toronto with, among other things, fewer taxes. While no tea was spilt, misused letterheads became grounds for a royal commission.

Like the Medieval kings of yore, Toronto’s crowned head is always ready for battle, whether it be retaliation by invading Kuwait or inspiring his troops to rip people’s fucking throats out and poking their eyes out.

In times of distress, he does not cower away from visiting his people. Like King George VI during the London Blitz, media bombardment will not stop Rob Ford from visiting the projects. He even recorded interviews with the attackers from Toronto’s version of the East End.

And while Ford might scream “A pipe! A pipe! My Kingdom for a crack pipe!” after his recent downfall, his reign is far from over. Avoiding the aloofness of many of his contemporaries, Ford has made like Belgium’s King Leopold III and – metaphorically – burnt all his bridges. With public support for the Crown at an all-time low and over half of his help thrown out of the castle, the ruler has resorted to bouts of insanity, once again like George III. He has been spotted knocking over women, yelling at his subjects, muttering death threats under his breath, and pretending to drive drunk the few times he’s not driving drunk. BIRDS!

And of course, while not quite as weird as Prince Charles’ tampon, his wife still gives him plenty to eat at home.

If King Rob still wielded awesome mayoral power, he may well have declared his city exempt for the rules by creating the Church of the ‘Burbs, if only so he could legally indulge in his indiscretions. Fortunately, such a possibility no longer holds.

While the PAH will rarely endorse republican ideas, we urge Torontonians to use their rare opportunity on October 27 2014 to dethrone the crack King.

This article was originally posted an editorial for the PAH.


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